If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
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