weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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