saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
