she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
