I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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