i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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