I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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