They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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