take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
