I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
