So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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