I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
