Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
God, I missed his penis.
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