No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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