you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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