9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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