If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
