Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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