Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
