In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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