Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
