god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
