I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
my nose is crying tears of wow.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
