How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
