No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
