Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
