Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
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