you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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