Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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