I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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