Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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