I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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