WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
