Please don't use social media to get back at me.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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