the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
