I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
