I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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