Can i not drive my cunt home
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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