It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
