I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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