She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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