Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
