I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
