I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
