my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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