just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Randomize