There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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