You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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