Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
