I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
