I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
