??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Randomize
