Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize