Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
