I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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