so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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