I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
