I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
