The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
